Scaredy Cat

I want talk about fear. It's something that's been a recent issue with me. I'm a bit fearful right now. It's kind of hard to explain to my husband even though I try to discuss it with him. Sometimes it scares me to even discuss them with him.

My husband is not abusive or domineering at all. We have a wonderful relationship. He's my best friend. I couldn't want anyone else. It's just that I'm still not used to discussing my fears with anyone. I'm always the one in my family who has to be strong. So I internalize a lot of my angst and do what I need to do. So this adjustment to leaning on my husband (emotionally) is hard. I do make it a point to tell him that I love him and stuff. I need him to know it. I don't ever want him doubting my feelings because I'm not discussing my emotions. It's hard for me to discuss my emotions period, so I do believe I'm making headway in this area.

It's the stuff that can stress me out (fear) that I do have the most difficult time trying to talk about. So this is my very first time trying to sit and write it out for the world to read. I am better in discussing my feelings on paper than verbally. So here we go. Please bear with me. It may be choppy and disorganized.

Fear#1
My hubby has been trying to get into either the SPD (Suffolk County Police) or NYPD (New York Police). I want him to get in because he's trying so hard and it is something he wants to do. So I will support him as much as I possibly can.

What I'm scared of is more of when he does get in. I'm scared of him getting injured or worse, killed in action. Criminals out there are no joke nowadays. They are quick to shoot police and regular citizens. I hate to admit how violent our world has become. I just want to keep my hubby as safe as possible. I can't possibly see a future without him. My over-protective inner me wants to keep him in the house safe at all times. That's not productive or reasonable.

Fear #2
Let's say he gets into SPD. We would probably have to move to Long Island or Queens so he can get to work easier. I have no fear of moving. I've moved so my times in my life already.

My fear is of the people in further parts of Long Island. Are they racists? Will they accept me and my husband (who is white)? Will my being out there cause any problems for my husband at work? These unknowns I am fearful. You hear may tales that the further into Long Island the more white and less minority. You also hear stories of racism. Not just against blacks, but against any other non-white races. I'm a bit leary of people nowadays. The past 2 presidential elections just proved how rampant racism is in our society.

Before, I never really cared about race relations. It's a new area to me now that I married outside race. I just don't want my race hurting my husband. My husband doesn't really care what others may think when it comes to us. I just don't want to jeopardize anything for him.

Fear #3
This fear I can't discuss. This fear is paralyzing. It can keep me up all night for days on end if I let it overpower my consciousness. I can't write it down because it may just send me in a downward spiral. Maybe one day I can come and amend this post when I get a handle on it.

My fears can be baseless to some or valid to others. These are my fears. They are very valid to me. Sometimes I tell myself that there's nothing to fear. It subsides every now and then. I can't live my life constantly in fear so I have to overcome them. I can't let my fear keep me from seeing outcomes of life decisions. Fears should be conquered, not nurtured. But why is it so hard? We should have some mechanism in life that we can just erase fear. However, it is necessary in life. Bah!

How do you overcome fear?

I Believe I May Be In Love

Before I married, I never know what loving someone wholeheartedly really meant. I believed I loved the men in my past relationships. However, nothing compared to the magnitude that I love my husband.

How can you love someone so hard? I can understand how people can become fatally attracted. I never thought I can be attached to someone. I'm ususually the one who has a wall up around my heart. I rarely let anyone in. Somehow my husband snuck his way in.

When I think about him, my heart fills with joy and love. I love him regardless of his faults. He is not perfect, but he is for me. He is very unassuming and treats me better than any boyfriend I had in my past. He does so much little things that melt my heart. I find myself wanting to take care if him.

I never understood when past boyfriends would say they missed me 2 hours after talking to them. I thought they were just crazy. It used to bother me a lot when they called or texted me saying "I miss you". I now understand. When you are so invested into the person, you want to be with them all the time. I don't think I'll ever grow tired of my hubby. I don't think I get enough time with him as it is.

I can't believe he loves me too. It's hard to wrap around my brain sometimes. He's not repulsed by me. He loves being close to me. He loves my farts and all. That is dedication, lol. He is also very attentive to me. He knows me so well it's scary. He knows when I'm not feeling well before I even verbalize it. He knows me thru and thru. There's no more mystery and he still loves me.

This post is mostly gushing about my feelings. I'm learning how to express them. Plus talking love is so easy now that I've been in a love bubble for nearly 3 years now. I'm more open to love. You have to thank my hubby for that. Without him I'd probably turn into an old crabby spinster woman.

Thanks for listening.
xoxox

Copycat, Copycat

Copying is the sincerest form of flattery. Or something like that. When does copying start looking more like being ripped off? When does this apply to blogging?

I have a bunch of blogs that I keep up with. My favorite is The Bloggess. I stumbled upon her couple years ago from a magazine article. I checked her out and fell in love with her blog. She has a style that us all her own. She is quite unique.

Recently I began shuffling blogs I read. Get rid of some and gaining new ones. I stumbled upon a blog. I started to like it. I noticed it read similarly to one I was already reading. I was being duped to think this blog was my favorite blog. This blog was an out right copy of The Bloggess' style. It has different topics but the writing and the layout of posts are exactly the same. She writes almost the same style. It's like she studied The Bloggess' page thru and thru and reproduced it with different topics.

My feelings were beyond hurt. I was shocked, sad and a bit indignant. How could this woman just copy Bloggess' style so blatantly. Can't she write in her own style? I understand Bloggess popularity is at a high. I'm sure when she started she wasn't. It takes time to get followers and popularity. She worked hard for it. This person is just trying to steal her thunder.

Is there anything out there to protect bloggers from counterfeit bloggers? How can a blogger protect themselves from the copycat? At this point in the game do we just chalk it up to the crazy Internet and move on?

Brainstormer v1.4.1

I downloaded this app called "Brainstormer" for iOS devices. It's an app that is equivalent to a writing prompt.






You have 3 pin wheels you spin for 3 different words for the prompt. You can also press the button that has a picture of dice. That will randomly select for you. I think that's much better feature.

I spun each wheel and gotten the prompt of: "Competition, Naval & War Room".



I pressed the dice and came up with the prompt of "Concession, Arabic & Golf Course".



Each of these I believe I can write a mini story on. However, I'm already in middle of too many things. This app though should help me alleviate some writer's block in the future.

Is this app worth it?

It depends. If you like to write, I believe it can help inspire new ideas for you to write on. Stimulation feeds the creative mind. This app works without an data connection so you can use it when you are traveling with spotty to no internet connection.

If you find that you need more prompts, you can purchase expansion packs from the settings. The in-app purchase price for each pack is $0.99. However, I believe you have plenty to last a lifetime with what it already comes with.



If you are not a writer, then this app would serve you no purpose.

This app us universal to both iPhone, iPad and iPod. It can be found in the iTunes App Store for $1.99  as of today's posting.

[iOS]

What's Following Thru?

I said I wasn't doing resolutions for the new year but accomplish goals. Well I've been thinking a lot recently about something I'd like to change about myself. I noticed that I need to work on follow thru. My follow thru has gotten worse since my husband moved in. I'm not blaming him for this or making an excuse. I just find that I'd rather spend my time curled up next to him.

What really sparked my thoughts is the fact that I've been meaning to call someone. Been talking about calling this someone but have yet to call them. I can't blame anyone but myself. I just need to up and do it. It's just a God-damn phone call. Did I ever tell you that I don't like the phone? I'm better using instant messenger or text messages (when I'm not at work). That's just how I role.

This one call I need to make made me see what else I've fallen short on. A lot of it does deal with phone calls, I must admit. I make all these friendships and want to develop them, but when it boils down to me making the phone call, I fall short. I'm so much better in person. I only call 2 people, my parents. They will hunt me down if I don't.

One example of follow thru, Sandy came to town in end of Oct, beginning of November. With her visit, my garage was made into a crumbled display of art. So I have call insurance company to take care of it. It took me a week and a half to call. Then they called back after 2 weeks. Then I didn't call back for another. Then finally the inspector got on phone and finally settled on date for the visit. Once he came and gone, the insurance sent a measly check. I was supposed to call and discuss. Took me 2 weeks from check receipt to call. Then they called me and it took me couple days to resolve. Let's just say this process would've been a lot better if I was on the ball.

I need to call my other insurance agent. Been saying this for 2 weeks and have yet to call him. Today was a great day to do so. My office mate was gone and I had privacy. Why didn't I call? I got caught up with my real job. I need to focus and follow thru with what I need to do.

This year I will take control and get what I need done, done in a timely manner. This following thru  thing makes me sound like a procrastinator. I've never procrastinate. I always try to get shit done fast. This only works when it doesn't involve the *ugh* phone. I need to overcome this phone aversion. It's hard when you're an accountant and your phone is always going off with some sort of demands. I know, maybe I should change my career...... Nah, that'd be absurd. I like what I do. Once again, I digressed from my point. This year I will set one of my goals to work on my follow thru.

Those who've been affected by my follow thru, please accept my apology. For the future, call me if you haven't heard from me in a while. Help me, to help you, help me follow thru. That would be the greatest solution.

Ditto: Bill Cosby's 83 & Tired

With respect to Bill Cosby, I have removed the content of this post. 

View reference here: http://billcosby.com/2011/09/if-you-got-the-bogus-email-its-time-to-hit-delete

Even though some thoughts in the post I agreed with.


I did however, state that I didn't think it was him in the beginning of the post. 

Beyonce-gate

So Beyonce, allegedly, lip synced to the National Anthem at the Presidential Inauguration on Monday. If it's true, she just lost a shitload of credibility.

Why lip sync the anthem? You should know it by now. We all had to learn that and the pledge of allegiance in grade school. Oh, wait! You didn't go to grade school? Were you too busy trying to become a star? Still inexcusable. You've heard the song way too many times throughout your life. Especially you sitting at ball games all the time. Beyonce, shame on you!!!

Lip syncing are okay to me for 3 occasions: 1. Syndicated television shows, concerts and filming movies. It is NEVER okay to lip sync special performances, especially one as big and monumentous as the presidential inauguration. What were you thinking? Do you think you are so high above the President that you couldn't muster to work what God gave you? You were born with a great voice, use it.

Okay okay, maybe you were coming off of a cold/flu. Why not turn down singing and have someone replace you? You have too much pride? You just did more damage lip syncing than if you pulled out of the performance. You couldn't find a replacement? There were plenty singers there. Anyone from the Brooklyn Tabernacle choir could've stepped in. Hell, the event was star studded. So, you really don't have any excuses left.

You have very poor judgement. Hopefully this performance doesn't cost you the Super Bowl gig. They may keep you. Just cross your fingers that you didn't muck up what you worked so hard to achieve.

Good luck.

Picture from Someecards.

Finishing 2012, Starting 2013 - The List

Another year is finishing and I must say it was a very interesting year. So much has happened this year. I can look back at it with much fondness and melancholy. Overall, 2012 was year of some major milestones in my life.

Accomplished in 2012:

• Got a story published in an Anthology Book with my GoodReads group "Paranormal & Horror Lovers" called All The Lovely Creatures. You can download the book here.
• I got married to the most wonderful man in the world (besides my daddy). 
• Took 2 classes in Japanese to learn the basic grammar and language. If you are in New York City, take classes at the Japanese Society. Classes are nice, small and intimate. Join them here.
• I obtained a new client for my personal business, thanks to my mom. Small businesses and individuals that need tax and accounting, you can email me here. Only serious inquiries please.
• Attended my first blogging convention, BlogHer '12. 

With such accomplishments, makes my plans for the new year. I hope to at least double my accomplishments by the end of next year. I don't do New Year resolutions. I am more of a goal oriented woman. I make plans and tackle them. I can't say, "as of Jan 1st, I'm not going to eat sweets any more". That's not going to happen. I may work on my health during the year, but not quit things cold turkey. That's how you relapse. That's just my opinion. 

Plans for 2013:

• To build my website for my personal business website
• To publish a novella for my main protagonist. This should help me see if my character is loved enough to continue on with her novel. I love this character and hope the world will love her too. 
• To read more books. I have gotten away from reading this past year. I've read books but not nearly as much as I used to. I may do GoodRead Yearly challenge. (I know link is for 2012, they haven't changed the date yet.)
• To blog more. Can you believe in 2011 I posted 64 posts and 2012 a meager 38 posts? I am quite disappointed in myself. 
• Travel
• Renovate portions of my house
• Continue my natural journey
• To continue to work on my health (not like anything is detrimentally wrong with me.) It's always good to make sure you maintain your health. 

This is my official list to keep me on track. Let's see what I can accomplish 2013.

What do you want to accomplish in 2013? Leave me a comment with your plans and I will see if I can help you accomplish it or work on it together. 

To All:

May you and your family have a health, wealth and happiness!!!!

The Pervert Next Door

I moved back to NY in 2001, 5 months before 9/11. I was in my 20s and still in fighting shape (better shape than I am now). Upon my arrival, my neighbor next door to me would always say hello. I would be polite back and say hello back. Every now and then we'd make small talk about music and movies. His wife is nice.

Throughout the years I would catch him watching me. You know the look. The one where he's practically undressed you with his eyes. I still didn't pay any attention to him. Why would I? He had never made any moves on me at this time. He looked at my BFF a lot too since she was living with us at that point. We nicknamed him "Pervert".

Once everyone moved out and I was left by myself, the advances started. He would catch me in my backyard unexpectedly. I didn't cower or be afraid. I continued being myself and living my life. I stopped being very cordial with him though. I was still friendly with his wife though. He still continue to try  to talk to me. He got me once and I asked him "what about your wife? Don't you feel bad about trying to step out in her?". He bluntly said it's not like he hasn't before. I immediately felt that he was a predator at that point. I thought he was just a pervert who just got thrills by hitting on younger women. This man was much creepier.

My brother ended up moving in with me. His overt advances stopped. Then the covert ones started. He invited me and my brother to events. I would turn all invitations down. I told my brother to stay away from him and he was not good people. Then war started. He would go on my property and I would say something to him and his wife. I didn't care. This was his way to get me to talk to him. It worked for a while. It stopped when my husband moved in with me. Soon afterwards I dropped a note telling him if his vehicles are on my property without permission it would be towed on his dime. Then he stopped talking to me. Yep it took me getting married to get him to leave me alone. My husband has given him cordial salutations knowing what he has done to me. He wouldn't even respond back. My husband would say he was a weird creepy guy.

One night this year, I was home alone (brother and hubby were at work) I was dead asleep when a blood curdling screaming coming from next door. It was pervert's wife. So I did what was necessary and called the police. I was petrified that pervert was going to come after me. Took me a day or 2 to get over it. Apparently he's been beating her for years. This however was only the icing on the cake.

I was at work when my husband text me that "Pervert" was arrested for having sex with an under-aged girl! I was happy that finally something had finally happened to him. He will meet some justice. He made it to the NY Post (article here).  He even made it to Bossip.com (post here). He's gotten notoriety now. He's exposed for being a pervert. His little secrets are no longer. NYC at least knows that he's a sex offender.

I do feel bad about how this played out for his wife though. She has had to know for years that this man was no good. I am also sure that this young girl is not the only girl out there. I wish they would just come forward and let the world know that this man is no good. As I finish this post, he is home on bail. 

Since his arrest, I've had nightmares about him. This post has been my way of purging my inner demon. I want to thank you for reading this post. But it has made my chest and mind lighter. Now if my other demons could get exorcised, I'd fly high like a kite. 

Don't Be A Victim - Know The Subways

Earlier this week a man was shoved off the platform into the tracks in a NYC subway station. The oncoming train ended up killing him as he tried to climb out of the tracks. No one close to him attempted to help the man. A tourist actually caught a picture of the man in the tracks about to be hit. He sold the picture to the NY Post.




There is enough debate on the news and the Internet. That is not what this post is about.

This post is what to do if you find yourself in the same predicament as the victim; whether you fell, was pushed or dived in to retrieve a personal item. Not everyone knows what to do in this situation. I am blessed to have a sister who has worked for MTA for over 20 years. She has taught me what to do as she was taught. I will now teach you.

Here is an example if the tracks from a subway station.



There are 3 parallel rails on the track. The 3rd one furthest from the platform is electrified. Stay clear from that rail at all costs. We need to concentrate on the 2 closest to the platform.

If you find yourself in the tracks you can do either of the following if you have the time.
a) Walk to edge of platform and climb up the steps, or
b) Pull yourself up from the track onto the platform (works easily for the tall)

If you absolutely have no time to do either of the above you must do the following.

Lay down in between the tracks Face Down. Elongate your body as much possible. There is room underneath the train and tracks.

This will save your life. You may get injured. But it's better than being dead.

I hope you learned something from this email. If you want, please share this info with your friends and family. It may save their life.

If you have other tips, leave them in the comments section.

Stay safe everyone.