Wednesday, April 22, 2015

It's All About Dat Ass

So I've been born with an ample sized ass. So has my sister, my mother, most of my family. No matter what side of my family, the asses are ample. It's all in my genes. This is also my ultimate insecurity in life.

In elementary school, I remember walking in the lunch room and some girls snickered at me. One was bold enough to ask me if I stuffed tissue in my panties to make my booty big. That was the first time anyone really brought attention to it. I felt very insecure then. I remember telling my sister about it. She said not to worry about the other girls, they are just jealous. She made me feel better for the time period.

Now bring me to JHS. This by far was the worst period in my whole life. If I was suicidal then, I'd probably not be hear today. I had to take crowded buses to school which gave to anonymous people grabbing my ass. This was a constant issue I had. Also some guys who hung around me would try to accost me so they could get a feel. I also couldn't wear the same jeans all my friends wore because they couldn't fit my ass. At this point I despised my ass. I hated it with such a passion that I told my mom if I could save enough money, could I get a butt reduction. All my ass ever did was bring me was unwanted attention and pain. I wanted it gone.

In HS, I tried my best to try and hide it. I wore extremely baggy pants a lot. I didn't want people to pay attention to it. I refused to change my clothes for gym. I didn't want girls to see my ass in order to tease me. I would put sweatpants over my jeans. I got in trouble a lot with that. I was at one point failing gym because I wouldn't change. As the years progressed in HS, my ass was no longer an issue with the masses. I felt comfortable with my group of friends to be able to change for gym and wear less baggy pants. By senior year of HS I was at an easy truce with my ass.

College and my 20s served to be a back and forth with my ass. I couldn't wear what I desired to wear because my ass was too big. At this point surgery was not on my mind at all as it was in JHS. Dating was hard. It was difficult to know if the guy was dating me for me or to get close to my ass. So much talk over my ass. I kept wishing it would just disappear.

My 30s is much better. I tried not to pay it much attention. In your 30s you start not giving a fuck. I found what fits me best that minimized the look of my ass. Dating was still a pain in the ass. There are just so many frogs out there. Thank God I found my husband who does not make it a point to point out my ass.

Now these past 5 years, with the hypersexualization of women in the media, big asses are so in style. Women are going under the knife to get bigger booties. They are illegally getting silicone injections in their ass to increase the size. Women are literally dying for a big ass. Women with big asses are glorified all over the media: Kim Kardashian (she ain't even close to mine), Amber Rose, Nicki Minaj to name a few. So they guys are looking for women with the big ass now more fervently now than before. This makes me uncomfortable. Just when I feel okay with my ass, someone has to bring it back to attention. I hate having to walk past the hoodrats at block corners without having them watching my ass. This is why I am usually mean mugging. I don't like being catcalled and will not acknowledge anyone who tries to. I don't want to give any of these jackasses any idea that they can even come up to my level to try and talk to me. I don't want my ass attracting the wrong attention now that it is a major spotlight in media. One would think this would make me feel better. It just increases me insecurity.

I have tried so hard to get rid of this insecurity, but it won't budge (like my ass). There are days where I can ignore it and there are days that I am so self conscious about it that it takes me forever to choose an outfit. I don't know if it'll ever go away. It is so ingrained in me. Time will tell. But for those kids who may read this, don't let your peers make you insecure. I succumbed to it and it's a life long battle. Be happy with all that you are given.