Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Scaredy Cat

I want talk about fear. It's something that's been a recent issue with me. I'm a bit fearful right now. It's kind of hard to explain to my husband even though I try to discuss it with him. Sometimes it scares me to even discuss them with him.

My husband is not abusive or domineering at all. We have a wonderful relationship. He's my best friend. I couldn't want anyone else. It's just that I'm still not used to discussing my fears with anyone. I'm always the one in my family who has to be strong. So I internalize a lot of my angst and do what I need to do. So this adjustment to leaning on my husband (emotionally) is hard. I do make it a point to tell him that I love him and stuff. I need him to know it. I don't ever want him doubting my feelings because I'm not discussing my emotions. It's hard for me to discuss my emotions period, so I do believe I'm making headway in this area.

It's the stuff that can stress me out (fear) that I do have the most difficult time trying to talk about. So this is my very first time trying to sit and write it out for the world to read. I am better in discussing my feelings on paper than verbally. So here we go. Please bear with me. It may be choppy and disorganized.

My hubby has been trying to get into either the SPD (Suffolk County Police) or NYPD (New York Police). I want him to get in because he's trying so hard and it is something he wants to do. So I will support him as much as I possibly can.

What I'm scared of is more of when he does get in. I'm scared of him getting injured or worse, killed in action. Criminals out there are no joke nowadays. They are quick to shoot police and regular citizens. I hate to admit how violent our world has become. I just want to keep my hubby as safe as possible. I can't possibly see a future without him. My over-protective inner me wants to keep him in the house safe at all times. That's not productive or reasonable.

Fear #2
Let's say he gets into SPD. We would probably have to move to Long Island or Queens so he can get to work easier. I have no fear of moving. I've moved so my times in my life already.

My fear is of the people in further parts of Long Island. Are they racists? Will they accept me and my husband (who is white)? Will my being out there cause any problems for my husband at work? These unknowns I am fearful. You hear may tales that the further into Long Island the more white and less minority. You also hear stories of racism. Not just against blacks, but against any other non-white races. I'm a bit leary of people nowadays. The past 2 presidential elections just proved how rampant racism is in our society.

Before, I never really cared about race relations. It's a new area to me now that I married outside race. I just don't want my race hurting my husband. My husband doesn't really care what others may think when it comes to us. I just don't want to jeopardize anything for him.

Fear #3
This fear I can't discuss. This fear is paralyzing. It can keep me up all night for days on end if I let it overpower my consciousness. I can't write it down because it may just send me in a downward spiral. Maybe one day I can come and amend this post when I get a handle on it.

My fears can be baseless to some or valid to others. These are my fears. They are very valid to me. Sometimes I tell myself that there's nothing to fear. It subsides every now and then. I can't live my life constantly in fear so I have to overcome them. I can't let my fear keep me from seeing outcomes of life decisions. Fears should be conquered, not nurtured. But why is it so hard? We should have some mechanism in life that we can just erase fear. However, it is necessary in life. Bah!

How do you overcome fear?


Chrisor (@ynotkissme) said...

Bravo to you for delving into these fears! That is the first step. I find writing them down puts them in perspective even more than talking because you can reread them later and see if you still feel the same. All of your fears are valid but you need to find a way to manage them. I understand well wanting to keep your husband safe since he is your world. You can't do it at the expense of his dream. You want him to be happy so he has to venture into this line of work. Just tell yourself that he will be trained properly and always err on the side of caution. I can't guarantee his safety doing police work but he could pick a safer line of work and have some sort of freak accident happen that you can't predict. You just have to let him do what he wants and enjoy every minute of your time together. Same goes for where you live. You can have awful neighbors no matter where you go. Move where you need to and if someone has a problem with race, it's THEIR problem.

Tiger's Lair said...

I am supporting hubby no matter what he does. I'm very sure he will be careful. I'll be there for him no matter what. Thanks for the support.